<big>Recently I have been pondering a curious behavior that occurs when a relationship reaches that inevitable point that it begins to generate friction between what seemed to be perfectly matched parts. If you look at the scope and depth of the bonds created by love it seems natural to assume that a little friction would pose no significant threat to the stability and integrity of such powerful bonds. And if logic were the prevailing decision making methodology, I believe that would be a very safe assumption to make. However… </big>
The relationships I am referring to are the ones where two people shared meaningful, honest feelings with each other over a significant period of time. It has been my experience directly as well as observing indirectly, that two people who genuinely loved one another will not naturally “fall out of love” with each other unless some form of direct action is taken by one or both people. By that I mean if a relationship ends and each person goes his or her separate ways the love they once shared will not die. It will certainly diminish in its intensity and immediate importance but without some added influence it will not disappear or fade away into non existence. It will wait patiently and without complaint wherever it is set and just exist. If you find yourself thinking of the other person or interacting with them you will find it readily accessible and often times a source of comfort and reassurance later down the road.
I have also noticed in relationships where one or even both people later proclaim they no longer love or care for the other, often times expressed in terms of resentment, bitterness and even open hostility and hatred. It has been my observation that the people who make this claim have all progressed through a period where they actively expend time and effort to devalue and discredit the foundations and experiences that transpired during the formation of their love for each other. This personal campaign of hate and anger is nicely packaged up as victimized self pity and helplessness. The unspoken hinge pin behind this campaign is that everyone, including the campaigner themselves, was too dim witted to pickup on any of these monumental and quite numerous, character flaws of their former lover who now wholeheartedly (and apparently quite obviously) epitomizes evil - mind, body and soul. I know they say love is blind, but what are they saying about the rest of us unfettered by any such emotional attachment? How many of you can think of a friend who is even now in the midst of this very thing. The friend who after a breakup with someone they were deeply in love with and from whom their love was strongly reciprocated, can be seen and heard preaching the shortcomings and flaws of this person they were once so in love with. The effort expended in this campaign is to convince themselves and anyone who will listen, that it was a false love, that it is now meaningless and no longer even exists. Sadly, more often than not, this is also more effort than the campaigner ever expended on identifying this Judas prior to their recent epiphany.
You are now to believe that the happiness and joy you witnessed with your own eyes was all part of a clever deception perpetrated by this evil person. Stick around a minute longer and you will be inundated with a virtual smorgasbord of "facts" and reasons and even a few secrets, only just now revealed to the public, to support campaign agenda. As long as your not one of those left wing extremists that checks sources or one of those opinionated jerks that thinks for yourself (only selfish people do that you know) then you should be well on your way to trading in your worly wealth for a nice sheet and shaving your head. If they can convince a perfect stranger of their former lovers evil intent then surely there must be some merit to their words. As they perfect and tailor their campaign agenda over countless retellings they begin to delude themselves into thinking there was no love to lose or what was there was tainted and impure or my personal favorite that they were controlled into thinking they were in love therefore justifying their illogical leap into the abyss. It has always struck me as odd that their actions disprove their own words. If they truly were without concern, without feeling, without caring or love, there would be no need of this campaign. People who dont care about an elections outcome dont become lobbyists. I often wonder if they realize how easily those of us on the outside see the effort for what it is. The thrashing of a person whose heart is heavy with pain and who now sees through eyes clouded by fear and their every insecurity. A pain so powerful and so terrifying it evokes an illogical emotional response that virtually eliminates the possibility of getting their pain healed. A pain that is often caused inadvertently or is the result of simple misunderstanding and rarely done with malicious intent to cause harm. Barriers are erected, traps are laid, lines are covertly redrawn and secret alliances formed (oh lets us not forget Facebook names are blocked and innocents defriended). In the mad rush to avoid being hurt further and exonerate themselves from any responsibility for the state of things they frantically set about laying the obstacles that will likely provide the spark that ignites a conflagration which left unchecked eventually consumes the relationship and leaves nothing but scorched earth and charred remains behind.
With out the ability to logically evaluate their actions they do not see that by isolating themselves from the one person who could put the brakes on their run away locomotive they more often than not take steps to ensure they remain inacessible. I was always under the impression that the outcome of a debate is based on the merits as presented by each side. Objective observers will notice the obvious absense of any other point of view but the one being pushed by the campainer. In their blind rush they lock that person out of their life, keeping them at bay with a relentless barrage of personal attacks, carefully constructed using an arsenal of the most private, personal information gathered at a time when the possibility of being on opposite sides seemed patently absurd. The result of this tragically faulty wiring within our human psyche is almost always the cold, calculated demise of something beautiful, love. And even then it often takes weeks or months of campaigning to stamp out the truth of their feelings, to harden their hearts, to convince themselves and with any luck their friends and a few random passers by, that this person they once proclaimed to love and cherish was really a creature intent on evil and enslaving them to their foul will. It frankly wouldn’t surprise me if the next evolution on the campaign trail are donations for their noble sacrifice in the face of such pitiless and unspeakable horrors.
What never ceases to amaze me is why you would bother doing it. If you have even a shred of self reflection, honesty or the common sense of a gumball you know that any campaign pitch, no matter how juicy it sounds, is still just a pitch. Created by design as an attempt to influence thoughts and events along in a course that best serves the campaigns agenda. Replacing love, even a love that may not have been viable because of individual differences with negativity and anger is just stupid. Why do we as a society find it easier to accept the loss of a love or the failure of a relationship if we can make the other person out to be at fault or of poor character. Was it not both people involved in the relationship, sharing equal credit for the happiness and success without even speaking of it… we as humans find it easy and almost natural to harmoniously bask in the joy of love, success and happiness. It almost makes us look like a kind, benevolent race of creatures at first glance. That is until the first bump in the road or a single misunderstanding balloons out of proportion. Next thing you know assumptions are being made, conclusion are being jumped too, past fears and insecurities are dusted off and given new life, every aspect of the relationship is reexamined and given a malevolent purpose, words spoken in trust and confidence are repeated to suit the mood and context of the accuser, strengths become weaknesses, beloved traits become damning character flaws and love slowly begins to look like hate. A war breaks out right smack in the middle of lovers lane. Next thing you know its a crime scene with police tape, chalk outlines, accusations most foul and charges of malcontent flying everywhere… Its a shame that we have the ability to experience such joy and happiness simply by sharing our time and experiences with another of our species just so we can run ourselves ragged with an almost zealous single minded determination to destroy it based on decisions that disregard the very things that made it notable to being with. We as a race are short sighted and in this day and age of prolific global communication the short comings of such poorly thought out decision making skills certainly become obvious in the trends we exhibit.
It seems to me this stems from a general lack of accepting responsibility for ones actions, both direct and indirect. And a complete failure to educate successive generations in the areas of interpersonal skill building and relationship management. The sum total of each generation seems to have been to find someone to blame thereby eliminating the need for personal growth or problem solving. Why try to improve oneself when its so obviously everyone elses problem. In this world of fly by night retirement funds and easy come easy go marriage we seem to be under the impression that everything is not only disposable but easily replaceable. It seems we are encouraged NOT to value anyone or anything past its first inconvenience or deviation from our demands and expectations of its use in fulfilling our immediate wants and needs. If something or someone does not perform as we require we get rid of it/them and look for a replacement. That works pretty well with electronics and automobiles but not so much with people… people require an investment of time and emotion, the longer the relationship the bigger the investment. Devaluing those investments, for any reason, should be something that is done with a great deal of consideration and thought. We would never manage our money in such a ridiculous way. I would not cast a favorite briefcase I had spent years filling with the fruits of my labors out the window just because of a broken latch… nor would I find getting a new briefcase a suitable replacement for the investment that was lost when the old one was discarded. But when it comes to relationships and the investments made in them we throw logic to the wind and make rash decisions based largely on raw, negative or hurtful emotions.
Emotion… the Exxon Valdez of investment advisors…
“The truth will set you free. But first, its going to piss you off.”
Love can be a very painful emotion when you find yourself trapped on the other side of that locked door… an enemy in what was once friendly territory. Assaulted by accusations that are so ridiculous on one hand as to almost be comical and yet so foul on the other as to leave you perpetually shaking your head in confusion trying to make sense of it all. The worst mistake you can make is to try defending yourself as this campaign has been well thought out and carefully tailored in expectation of your natural first instinct to being blindsided. My advice, take flight over fight. If you try to stand your ground unprepared you will likely lend credit to the cause that has been raised against you. There is little point in trying to convert a religious fanatic to atheism and there is little point trying to reason with someone who’s vision is clouded by anger and hate. It is my belief that it is all just an attempt to deny facing the feelings that accompany love, that go hand in hand with caring about another person at a level that yes, they can hurt you if they choose to do so. But why is it we always seem to gloss over the upside… for each cost there is a benefit and the benefit of risking being hurt is truly being loved and being able to love someone in return. It is hard to believe that someone could love you unconditionally, love not only your assets but your flaws and your shortcomings and accept you for who you are. Placing their faith in you to do the right thing by not only yourself but them as well. A scary proposition, more so in this world of easy come easy go values. Its little wonder that Love and Loyalty travel hand in hand. Embrace love where you find it, waste not your energy trying to deny it, better to spend your time basking in its glow than living in the shadow of its death.
Oh well… thanks for coming along…
to coin a phrase… that’s just my opinion, i could be wrong.
